Broker of Record
Duncan Pollock Real Estate Broker, Brokerage
427 Gate Street
Niagara-on-the-Lake,
Ontario, Canada L0S 1J0
Tel: (905) 468-3154
Cellular: (905) 704-9037
Fax: (905) 468-3812
e-mail: duncanpollock@sympatico.ca
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Duncan Pollock Broker of Record Duncan Pollock Real Estate Broker, Brokerage 427 Gate Street Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, Canada L0S 1J0 Tel: (905) 468-3154 Cellular: (905) 704-9037 Fax: (905) 468-3812 e-mail: duncanpollock@sympatico.ca
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My In Tray
Note: What follows is an extension of my real estate website, which you can reach -- or return to -- by scrolling down to the links at the end of this section.
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Are we having fun yet?
As a help in developing and maintaining my website, I subscribe to a number of newsletters, many of which contain flashes of humour, some useful tips, and an occasional Thought for the Day. My family, friends, and clients also have a habit of sharing chuckles and interesting observations with me.
The following examples of what keeps crossing my desk will, I hope, give you a few smiles and the odd point worth thinking about.
By all means feel free to pass them on.**********************************************************************
A couple of guys from Newfoundland drove into a lumberyard in a pickup truck.
One of the guys walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The guy said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right," the clerk said. "How long do you need them?"
The guy paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check again."
After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."**********************************************************************
1. A bicycle can't stand alone, because it's two-tired.
2. A backward poet writes inverse.
3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
4. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
5. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
6. A lot of money is tainted -- 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
7. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
8. A will is a dead giveaway.
9. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. When her hair started turning gray, the actress thought she'd dye.
12. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.
13. If you throw a grenade into a French kitchen, you'll get Linoleum Blownapart.
14. Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
15. Women who marry get a new name and a dress.
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1. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
2. A sandwich walk into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
3. A man carrying a slab of concrete walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer, please, and
I might as well have one for the road."
4. A man who's dyslexic walks into a bra.
5. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony isn't much, but
the reception is great.
6. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?"
The other replies "Yes, I'm positive."
7. Two cannibals eat a comedian. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Two psychiatrists meet. One says to the other "You're fine. How am I?"
9. Two fishes swim into a concrete wall. One says to the other "Dam!"
10. Question: What do you call a fish with no eye? Answer: A fsh.
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Some points to ponder
1. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
2. Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
3. A well adjusted person is someone who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
4. If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.
5. A conceited person is someone who never gets anywhere because he thinks he's already there.
6. If a man speaks out loud in a forest where there's no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
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World's easiest quiz
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
Questions
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animals do we get catgut?
4. In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What colour is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberrie from?
10. What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check to see how you've made out!
Answers
1. 116 years
2. Ecuador
3. Sheep and horses
4. November
5. Squirrel fur
6. Dogs
7. Albert
8. Crimson
9. New Zealand
10. Orange
What do you mean, you failed?
Well, how about trying your hand at the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salem, Kansas, USA?
Here is the start of it, taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society's Library in Salina, KS:.Grammar (Time: one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza, and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie," "play," and "run."
5. Define case. Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time: 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 ft. long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50c/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs for tare?
4. District No.33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. of coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest on $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 feet long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
And there's also U.S. History, Orthography, and Geography -- with six hours being allowed for completing all five exams.
Gives a whole new meaning to the saying "He only had an 8th grade education," doesn't it?!!
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Some new Error messages
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
3. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
4. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
5. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
7. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
8. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
9. Error: LPT1 not found. Use Pencil and Paper? (Y/N)
10. This will end your Windows session. Play again?
11. User Error: Replace user? (Y/N).
12. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic**********************************************************************
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Lost your password?
It happens to the best of us, but the answer can be found in a FREE download called Passwordsafe. It allows you to create a file of the various passwords you use to access different programs. You'll find the details at http://www.counterpane.com/passsafe.html , and it's worthwhile creating a desktop shortcut to the program or, better still, making it an addition to your Start menu.
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Advice to all golfers
Make sure you always wear two pairs of socks. Hey, it's best to be on the safe side -- you
might get a hole in one.
********************************************************************** Slogans for women's T-shirts
1. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
4. And your point is ....?
5. Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
6. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
7. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
8. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
9. Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
10. Guys have feelings too. But like .... who cares?**********************************************************************
A blonde who is driving down the road notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a service station for a fill up.
As she's working the pump, she also notices that she's locked her keys in the car, so when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant if she can borrow a coat hanger.
She then goes back outside and starts to jimmy the lock.
Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how she's making out.
He finds her up against the car door, moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right."**********************************************************************
And on the way out ...Two stories:
Story number one
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier in the South Pacific.
One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.
His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.
As he was returning to the mothership, he saw something that turned his blood cold. A squadron of Japanese Zeroes were speeding its way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were out on a sortie and the fleet was all but defenseless.
Butch couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert the Zeroes from the U.S. fleet.
Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 calibers blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. He weaved in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until finally all his ammunition was spent.
Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the Zeroes, trying to at least clip off a wing or tail, in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly. He was desperate to do anything he could to keep them from reaching the American ships. Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.
Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect the U.S. fleet. He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation's highest military honors.
And today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.Story number two
Some years earlier there was a man in Chicago called Easy Eddie. At that time, Al Capone virtually owned the city. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. His exploits were anything but praiseworthy. Rather, he was notorious for enmeshing the city of Chicago in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.
Easy Eddie was Capone's lawyer and for a good reason. He was very good. In fact, his skill at legal manoeuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.
To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big; Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago city block.
Yes, Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocities that went on around him. He did have one soft spot, however. He had a son whom he loved dearly.
Eddy saw to it that his young son had the best of everything: clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. In fact, Eddie tried to teach his son to rise above his own sordid life. He wanted him to be a better man than he was.
Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things that Eddie couldn't give his son. Two things that Eddie sacrificed to the Capone mob that he could not pass on to his beloved son: a good name and a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Offering his son a good name was far more important than all the riches he could lavish on him. He had to rectify all the wrong that he had done. He would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Scar-face Al Capone. He would try to clean up his tarnished name and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this he must testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. But more than anything, he wanted to be an example to his son. He wanted to do his best to make restoration and hopefully have a good name to leave his son.
So, he testified. And, within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago street. He had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, although it was at the greatest price he would ever pay.But is there a connection between these two stories?
Yes, there is.
Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.***************************************************************************
But wait a minute:
I can't resist adding this one, which one of my correspondents recently forwarded to me. Never mind what our politics are, it does say something pertinent about how the world has changed while we've been grappling with it these past years, doesn't it?Courtesy of Phil Harvey
Dirt Roads
What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved.
There's not a problem in America today -- crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency -- that wouldn't be remedied if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.
People who live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride -- that it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it if at the end there is home...a loving spouse, happy kids, and a dog.
We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, with whom they'd learn how to get along.
There was less crime in our streets before they were paved.
Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they
knew they'd be welcomed by five barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun.
And there were no drive by shootings.
Our values were better when our roads were worse!
People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous. They didn't tailgate by riding your bumper, and the guy in front of you wouldn't choke you with dust and bust your windshield with rocks.
Dirt Roads taught patience.
Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly. You didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk. You walked to the barn for your milk.
For your mail, you walked to the mail box.What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part. Then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn, and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders, and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.
At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap.
Most paved roads lead to trouble. Dirt Roads more likely
lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole.
At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time you ever locked your car was in August, because if you didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.
At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, because when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out.
Usually you got a dollar...and always you got a new friend...at the end of a Dirt Road!
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So in conclusion ...I don't see why we shouldn't have a toe-tapping finale -- thanks to a real fun idea I received not too many weeks ago.
Thus, let me invite you to click here
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Note:
If you want to return to my website -- or if you haven't visited it yet! -- you can get there by clicking on any of the following links.
Back to the beginning
Getting the most for your money
What a Buyer Agent does
The Buyer Agency Agreement
Who am I?
Additional informationOr .... Any questions? Something not clear? Need to know more? Just click here to e-mail me.
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